Safe-Japril 14x23
by daveryship
Summary: Coda or really an exploration of Jackson's feelings through the ordeal of 14X23- Cold as ice. Japril for ever.


**Safe.**

 **I'm sorry, but i had to. Ep 23 was whatttttt! Screaming in my head right now. Japril always.**

 **Dig in and leave a review.**

 **Cheers.**

He could not believe his ears as he heard the young intern say he was trying to save Dr Kepner's life. What life? Which Dr Kepner? There was only one, and he had to know. He didn't know exactly when everything stopped spinning. When all there was between him and April was time. He rushed like the hounds of hell were after him, barging into the OR. And, oh God!

His heart did stop. As he saw that hers had stopped beating.

This was not happening, this was not happening. For a moment he froze, witnessing a throng of Doctors, his friends, pumping April's chest. She was jumping lethargically up and down that table as they kept pumping. Desperately.

He knew desperation when he saw it, he was a doctor after all.

She was gone. April was gone.

That's when his heart came to life again, with a sharp stabbing pain it threatened to kill him.

No no no no was all he could chant as he rushed to her, he just wanted to be with her. Just be with her, wherever she was. He wanted to be there too. With her.

Hands were grabbing him now, pulling him away, shouting at him to stop, to step aside. All he knew was they were pulling him away from April. They were keeping him away from her.

The shouting, the pulling got through to him for a moment, through to his rationale. Someone said something about something, he really couldn't remember, but his rational mind was back again.

"How long?" He asked the confirming question. The dreaded question. Pease don't say it has been over six minutes? He pleaded in his head.

"Three hours." Mer said, as she continued CPR.

God! God no! She was gone. His April was gone.

He felt weak in the knees, the only strength he had was to try and dive at her again, to be with her. Be where she was. He got to her, despite their pulling and yelling, he got to her. But he could only hold her. She was here but she really wasn't. He wanted to be were she was. Heaven or hell, he just wanted to be with her. Most definitely heaven, his April would be there for sure. He didn't know if he was qualified to get in, but he just wanted to be with her.

His April. She looked so pale, so cold, so gone.

Hunt was saying that they should pray. Prayer was useless. He felt so hopeless when Hut said they should just wait and pray. That meant that this was where their medical knowledge stopped. And he knew what that meant.

She was gone. His April was gone. He couldn't think past that.

How did it get so bad? When did It get from his normal life, normal surgery this morning to this? Just when? All that time he was in surgery, unaware, happy and chatting away with Wilson, April had been lying here dead. And he had had no clue. He had thought if something like this happened he would feel it. If something happened to April and Harriet, he would know. Because they were so ingrained in his heart, so much a part of him, he just knew he would know, feel it somehow. All the more fool him.

They kept pumping her, Mer kept CPR and all he could see was them hurting her. He ordered them to stop, he wanted to cover April and protect her. But they wouldn't stop, and Pierce was insisting that she had seen rhythm. Jackson wasn't much for hope, wasn't much for miracles and impossibilities. According to his medical knowledge, April was gone. And if in some way they got a rhythm, April will be a vegetable for the rest of her life. She had been under for three hours, for crying out loud.

Then the rhythm showed, and everyone rejoiced, Jackson was just afraid to breathe. He didn't know if he should have hope like everyone else and see this as a good thing or not. All he could do was sit by April's bedside, protectively, watchfully. All their time together flashing through his mind.

Now that he had hope, that rhythm, that bended line on the monitor, he didn't want to let it go. He held on to It like his life depended on it. Because it did.

….

 **I'm young and I'm foolish, I've made bad decisions**  
 **I block out the news, turn my back on religion**  
 **Don't have no degree, I'm somewhat naive**  
 **I've made it this far on my own**  
 **But lately, that shit ain't been gettin' me higher**  
 **I lift up my head and the world is on fire**  
 **There's dread in my heart and fear in my bones**  
 **And I just don't know what to say**

 **Maybe I'll pray, pray**  
 **Maybe I'll pray**  
 **I have never believed in you, no**  
 **But I'm gonna pray- Sam Smith- Pray.**

…..

He never left her side. That glimmer of hope was all he had. Holding on to it, as everybody lost theirs. They gave him the room, so he could say his goodbyes. He knew it, as time passed by without any changes on the monitor, he could see anybody else starting to get in touch with reality. Losing their hope, expecting him to lose his. Well, they should have never given him that little ray of hope in the first place, only to take it away again. He was not letting it go. He would do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes. He wasn't about to lose her again. That hope, that rhythm was a rope for him to hold on to, a means to do something about it. A way of letting him know that all was not lost. So, as they all filed out with sad faces, defeated faces, talks of arranging for a funeral no doubt on the table, he looked at April. The part of him that would never regenerate if it died. His heart. And he felt the desperation trying to choke him. There was no amount of money to buy himself out of this, no knowledge he had. There was nothing he or any other doctor or any of his connections could do about this. Only one way was left, time to prove April's God. He would crawl, he would beg, he would cut his wrists. God, he would walk on fire if that's what it took. He'd do anything. And if it was his heart God wanted, his very soul? Then he had it. He just had to bring April back.

When Arizona had walked in and said that April was with Mathew because they were seeing each other, he didn't have time to be bothered. The thought of April in love with someone other that himself was painful alright, but at that moment he didn't care. She can have Mathew, she can be with Mathew all she wanted. As long as she came back.

' _Come back to me, come back to me. Please come back and be with Mathew if that's what you want. Just…please…come back to me."_ He begged in his heart over and over. Please, whatever it takes, just bring her back.

Last time when Samuel had died, he had prayed. He had said, 'to God or Buddha or whoever is listening, please save our baby for April's sake'. He had been vague and hesitant, and, in his mind, he knew there wasn't going to be an answer. He had already decided that. Because he had the facts, he was a medical doctor after all. And the facts were, his child had been born dead, he had no chances of survival with the condition he had. And Jackson wasn't big on miracles.

Now, the same thing was happening. As a medical doctor he had the facts. April was dead, his fellow doctors had tried above and beyond and even they had given up. She was gone. The facts said so. But he wasn't about to let her go just like that. He wasn't going to be vague and ask for whoever was listening. This was too big, and he had to confront April's God one on one. This time he was going for Jesus. Because he really could use a miracle now.

He looked at April's pale face and he choked on desperation.

"I know you're here. I believe that. I believe in you." He said desperately to April. If he ever had a religion, April was his. But now he knew that wasn't enough.

"No April…I will…" He looked heavenwards. "Oh, I will believe in you. Ok?" At this point he knew he would give up anything. First to go was his pride, leaving him a desperate mess in tears. The humblest he had ever been. It was hard to say those words, he could feel himself letting it all go. His pride his knowledge, his control, whatever it was that had shielded him, he gave it all up. If God wanted his heart, then he had it. If it was all of him he wanted, his life? Then he had it. He would pay it all. For April he would hold nothing back.

"I'll do whatever you want. I'll do anything…. Oh, please just don't…. don't take her away." He begged in tears, his heart in shreds. Holding desperately to her hand. "Oh, if you exist…. don't …don't take her away ok? "I'll do it. Just don't take her away. Please." He had never been so desperate, never been so in the dark, in despair. The pain in is heart was like a fist clenching it so tightly, not letting go.

Then he felt April's hand squeeze his ever so softly, but as sure as the dawn, he felt it.

Before he could believe it, he had to turn and look at her, to be sure.

"Hey." He whispered in shock, her eyes were still closed but she squeezed his hand again. And then her eyes opened. Forget about turning water into wine miracles that April had told him about. If he ever forgets this miracle let him never be forgiven. His own personal miracle. His gift from God.

The invisible fist clenching his heart let go, and he breathed.

….

Maggie threw away her cap and she just slid off the wall she was leaning on. Tears of relief and so much more, streaming down her cheeks. She knew she was not the one who had brought Kepner back. Her medical knowledge and effort had only gotten them so much. A rhythm but the joy had not lasted long. Kepner had been gone, according to all facts. It should have been impossible for her to come back like that. Hell, all of them had concluded it and were now making arrangements to call her family. She had tried. She really had tried to save Kepner, she did. As the mother of Jackson's child, as a friend. But deep down she knew why she had tried so hard. It was because she loved Jackson. And Jackson loved Kepner. He always will. At first, she had been conscious of how important this was to Jackson because of the relationship he shared with April. A constant kind of feeling of love will always be there, she could not fool herself there, but he had moved on with her now. And things were progressing so nicely. She knew it would hurt him to lose April and she had wanted to save her for that. But seeing him lose his mind when he found out about Kepner had her reviewing the whole situation with a whole different perspective. It had seemed like there was no one else in the room when Jackson had walked in and found them working on Kerner. The look in his eyes, is reaction, his heart-breaking reaction had everyone in there in near tears. That's when she knew, Jackson will never grieve for her like that. If it was her on that table instead of Kepner, Jackson would never lose it like that. It would not make him so vulnerable, break him like that. She knew it as sure as she knew her own name.

And Jackson's love had brought her back. It would be an epic love story deserving to be written down in history were it not so painful for her.

Somehow, at the back of her mind she had know all along, and now she knew that if Jackson had lost April that way, if he ever loses her like that, he would die too. It would destroy Jackson as good as if you would have ripped his heart out of his chest. He would never be the same. And that was not because April was the mother of his child. That was never all there was. Maggie had never been a part of that kind of love, or even witnessed it. Not with her parents, not with her kin and certainly not with herself. She never thought it exited. But seeing Jackson and April today, she believed too.

When the heart is uncertain, pain is the answer. If ever Jackson was ever uncertain about his feelings for April, the pain in his eyes was all the answers she needed. Jackson wasn't hers, he had never been hers, and knowing that now, as painful as It was, it was the truth. And she was glad she now knew the truth, whatever anyone else said. Jackson had never belonged to her, and there was little room in his heart for her. For anyone else.

She sat there on the floor of the bathroom, tears streaming down her face.

Tears of relief, she had saved Kepner. Tears of relief, she had saved Kepner for Jackson. It was for Jackson, she knew that now.

…

 **And I'm gonna pray (Lord), pray (Lord), maybe I'll pray**  
 **Pray for a glimmer of hope**  
 **Maybe I'll pray (Lord), pray (Lord), maybe I'll pray**  
 **I've never believed in you, no, but I'm gonna**

 **Won't you call me?**  
 **Can we have a one-to-one, please?**  
 **Let's talk about freedom**  
 **Everyone prays in the end**

…

Jackson had reluctantly left April to give her time to rest. He needed time to gather himself a bit too, but he was loath to leave her side. It was like he was walking on water the whole time. It didn't feel real, everything that had happened till now. It was like he was breathing under water.

He went back to April's room a little later only to find her sound asleep, with Mathew in her bed. They both were sound asleep, in their hospital gowns, hands holding. He didn't let himself feel. He only concentrated on April. She was alive. She was breathing. She was safe. She looked safe, with Mathew. It didn't matter, she was alive, and he had begged and promised that he would be fine with it, as long as she came back. Well, she was back in his world again, and he could finally breath easy. He smiled sadly and turned to walk away.

He went t straight to Harriet, he picked her up and held her so close to his heart and felt closer to her mother. April had not wanted to see her baby tonight, she said she will see her when she was a little better. Because she didn't want to scare her.

Jackson breathed in his baby's scent, and tears gathered in is eyes. Jackson had people he loved more than his own life now. His baby girl and the woman he loved more than anything in the world. His April. How had he managed to live this long without a backup plan for them. He could die today, he didn't care much. But he could not lose them. What would he do if he ever lost either one of them like that?

He grabbed Harriet's bag and walked out of the nursery to go home. He passed the Chapel, absent minded walking by. He halted and went back. He owed April's Jesus a huge thank you.

He breathed deep, taking in the ambiance as if for the first time. He took a seat with Harriet in his arms.

"Thank you. So much." He said, with a grateful smile. "As you know, I…I believe now. I can't wait to tell April. She'll be thrilled, right?" There was no answer but that was alright. He knew now that somebody was listening. April's Jesus was nice. He had answered him, even him. That surprised him. April had once said to him that Jesus didn't die for Christians. He died for everyone in the world. It was up to anyone to believe in his sacrifice, his love and accept it. No matter who you are, where you've been, the door was still wide open for anyone to come in. Just take a step towards that open door. Jackson had, when he believed. It hadn't hurt when he said those words. Maybe he was desperate, but now, well now it just felt liberating.

"I have one more thing to ask of you. I know now that I wont always be there to protect the people I love. I won't always be in control and even if I am present, I may not always have the capacity to save them. I just…I just need you to promise me, that you'll watch over them for me. They are all I have, and without them I don't know how I'll be able to breathe again. I just need them to be in this world, safe. There will be times when I won't know where they are, keep them for me please." That was his second prayer today. His second prayer in a long time. And he had the assurance that he now had a backup plan. He got off the seat and went home. He put Harriet to bed and now it was time for him to retire too. Time for all that happened today to catch up with him finally. He pulled out April's photograph and sat down on the floor besides his bed, photo in hand. He was exhausted. He studied it, studied her smile, her dimples, the look of love in her eyes as she had looked at him. He had taken that photo, and she had not ben looking at the camera lens. He remembered that he had complained about that. She had been looking at him, instead. She said because she could not take her eyes off him for even a second. What happened to them? What the hell happened to them? She had almost died today. Nonmatter what reason they would manage to come up with medically, yeah, her body had frozen and blah blah blah body heat. April had died today. For more than three hours she had been out cold. He had held her cold body, seen her being resuscitated without results. What if they had not got her in time at the accident scene? What if they had found her the next day? What if…?

He knew one thing, he had looked at her lifeless pale body today, he had held her cold body today with no pulse, no signs of life. He had never thought he could live to see her breathe again. He had lost April today. Really lost her. And all the exhaustion and fear and desperation of the day finally caught up with him. Jackson cried, huddled beside his bed like that, holding April's photo to his chest. He cried like a little baby.

…

 **One week later.**

 **Alex and Jo's wedding.**

 **….**

 **From the hot strobe lights and the spiked punch bliss** **  
And the long walks home in the dark we'll miss  
Nobody teaches you how to reminisce  
Nobody teaches you to hurt like this**

 **Then we slide into the arms of someone else** **  
Yeah, we slide into the arms of someone else- James bay- Slide.**

…..

Things had gone back to normal. It seemed. Everyone was happy again, back to work. April had been in Hospital for 3 more days before she was discharged. Jackson would always find time to come and visit, sometimes, most of the time, Mathew would be there, and he would have to reschedule. It riled but he put up with it. April was alive.

She had been thrilled to know that he believed now, and he knew it all emanated from her love for him. He understood now. His favourite person in the world was back. The love of his life. His heart. And the looks they shared, the way she would look at him told him that he was all that to her too. But for now, he had his best friend back, and he would take that and hold it dear. But they were getting closer again, he could feel it.

Alex and Jo's wedding came around. He went alone, Maggie went alone. She had been distant from him lately. And he was ashamed to admit it, but he was glad about that. He didn't know if he could go back to that anymore. Now that he knew that his heart was still where it had always been. With April.

It was a hype of activity, but he did manage to spend most of his time with April. Naturally he just gravitated towards her, they had found their easy friendly rhythm again. They never really lost that. They talked now, easily. They took photos in the photo booth. They were happy, laughing.

They found themselves more and more alone, further from the madding crowd. Gradually the conversation thawed out, an awkward silence ensured. And a feeling of a first crush like they were in high school again.

As they stood that close, she, looking up at him like the angel that she was, the angel she had always been, he knew that this was it. He wasn't going to ever run. He descended his head and she tipped hers for the kiss, no force could have stopped that kiss from happening, they were like magnets being pulled together. Like they had always been. It was slow, deep, it came from the core. And it was long, until April broke it slowly.

He looked at her earnestly as she looked down and then back up at him again. He questioned her with her eyes. The look in hers was full of love, for him, he knew that. But she was hesitating, no, she was pulling back.

"April…"

"I love you Jackson. Lord knows I have never loved another man as much. But we can't do this. I can't do this to Mathew again."

He knew that. Lord knew he could not do to this to Mathew again, but one thing he knew for sure was that he could not live without April. He knew that now.

"April…I love you. I am in love with you and I have never stopped loving you. What happened…"

"I know. It happened to me too when you almost died, remember? The bus exploding and all? God, I thought I would die if I lost you. And back then maybe I would have, slowly. But now I know better."

"April please. You are my very heart and I can't live without you."

"As you are mine Jackson. You hold my heart in your hands as I do yours. And we both know it. You turned to Maggie not because she now had your heart, I've always had it. It was because you couldn't look at me. Even though I held your heart in my hands you turned away. And I thought I would die because I didn't know what to do with it. I almost died, but it wasn't because of that."

"April… don't do this…"

"I almost died because of hypothermia Jackson, not of heart break. I had the 'once in a life time' great loves that most people never get to have. I did the crazy 'close your eyes and jump ff a cliff' scene. In my life memoir I'm going to write that I lived. Really lived. And it was with you Jackson. I felt alive when I was with you. But it doesn't mean that I was dead before I met you. And losing you didn't kill me, contrary to what I was inclined to believe, it didn't."

"April, if this is to get back at me…"

"I am not saying this to hurt you or anything Jackson. I would never intentionally do that. Because when you hurt, I hurt. I was alive when I was with you, the great love of my life. I've done it all and I'm grateful that in this lifetime I got to know the feeling of being alive. The passion, the walking on clouds happy, the heartbreak, the real. I lived. But maybe now it's time for me to just breathe. And I know I can do that with Mathew. He's safe, and I want safe right now. And I'm sure that's what you need too. Isn't that the reason you turned to Maggie in the first place? Give your heart time to heal, while you're safe."

"Safe." He said in near scorn, he didn't want safe. He wanted her. She was his safe place, his scary place, his home. She was everything and he was safe, with her. Because being without her, was anything but safe. Her near death showed him that. He was sick to realize that it always had to take them a near death experience for them to realize this. For him to realize this. But not anymore.

"Well, what are you going to do with the heart you hold in your hands? My heart. Are you gonna give it back?" He asked, trying for lightness.

She smiled sadly at him. "I can't give it back anymore than you can give mine back. I guess we're stuck there. I will treasure yours and hold it in the most special place were mine used to be. But I will leave room for another. I hope you do the same."

The words she spoke made him want to scream in denial, he wanted to cry. His throat was dry with tears and he didn't know just what to do to make her stay. The look in her eyes and the meaning behind her words were real, she had made up her mind. But she was right. They could not keep doing this to Mathew, he was a good man and didn't deserve this a second time. Let alone Maggie, who had worked so hard to save April's life. For a brand-new believer, just last week actually, he was about to commit one of his major sins. A selfish one. No matter what it takes, he was going to get his April back. Because if you asked him, it was a greater sin for them to be apart. It was the greatest sin. And he was going to fight and beg and wait, if that's what It took. But he will get her back again. He was certain of that. Because how long could one live without their heart?

She'll come back for hers, and he'll be here waiting for his.

…..

 **The weight of the world is love**  
 **Under the burden of solitude, under the burden of dissatisfaction the weight, the weight we carry is love**  
 **And so must rest in the arms of love at last, must rest in the arms of love**


End file.
